How Being Present Helps You Stay in Love

“Out beyond the ideas of rightdoing and wrongdoing, there is a field.  I’ll meet you there.  When the soul lies down on that grass, the world is too full to talk about.  Ideas, language, even the phrase ‘each other’ doesn’t make any sense.”

– Rumi

Romantic relationships challenge us on our deepest levels.  This is because they can touch upon unresolved pain from our childhoods.  We are attracted to those who resemble parts of our past.  Our relationships carry the potential to generate our greatest levels of healing.  However, our relationships also have the ability to further wound us in many of those same areas.

Regardless of how you met your partner, and what attracts you to them, when it comes to deep communication and acceptance, you need to be able to meet in the place that Rumi speaks about.  This field is a place where ego isn’t able to exist.  A place of utter acceptance, love, compassion, and empathy.  This field may have existed within the first few months of meeting your partner.  During this time, you were so conscious of how you responded to your partner; how you demonstrated your listening skills, how you tried to be emotionally available, energetic, intelligent, witty, attractive, etc.

“We are attracted to those who resemble parts of our past.”

– Michael Senko

This field is the same place where you allowed yourself to be vulnerable.  You allowed yourself to be open to love and to be loved.  Where you shared your thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  It is a beautiful place of acceptance and compassion.  You were able to feel like a child and play.  You felt safe and carefree.  A place where you could laugh and cry if need be.  In this field, there was no judgement.

Somewhere during your relationship, you began to forget your way to this field.  You began to allow fear to enter your relationship.  You began to retract, recoil, and defend.  Since offense can be the best defense, you found yourself attacking your partner.  The safety that was once felt in that field began to disappear.  What was once oneness, separateness began to dominate.

There are reasons for this.  During the course of time and the stressors of life, you began to see that your partner isn’t able to heal all of the wounds from your past.  Maybe your partner has unresolved issues from their past as well, prohibiting them from always being able to be there for your needs.  This can lead to a sense of fear and abandonment, thus resulting in the need to self-protect and defend.

When this happens, you begin to lose your conscious presence.  You begin to act unconscious in your relationship.  You begin to respond to things you perceive, as opposed to things that are actually present.  You begin to see and hear things that are based in fear, and not the actual words or intent of what your partner is saying.  You react to these perceptions, which in turn leads to recurring arguments.  You may find yourself feeling like a child again; stuck, scared, abandoned, rejected, not good enough, etc.  You have totally lost your way back to that field.

Fortunately, there is a way back to the field that brought you so much joy!  You were there once before, so you intuitively know you have ability to get back there again.  However, there is a catch; it takes effort and concentration.  It takes consistency and courage.  It takes the ability to be conscious.  This also means you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable once more.  There is a paradox in romantic relationships; the more you allow yourself to be more vulnerable, the stronger (not weaker) you begin to feel.

“Happiness can only live in the present moment.”

– Michael Senko

Consciousness is the key for getting back to that field.  In order to be conscious, you need to be aware.  You need to be aware of what you are thinking, feeling, and behaving.  It is within this state of awareness that joy can then be experienced.  When you are conscious, you are present.  Happiness can only live in the present moment.

When you practice consciousness, you are able to be there for your partner, emotionally and physically.  You are not allowing yourself to be triggered to travel into your past where old wounds and pain exist.  You are not forming judgement.  You are being right here and right now.  There is no need for self-defense, and no need to go on the attack.  When your partner does the same, you both get back in touch with being one, once more.  You are able to retain your individuality, but simultaneously, reconnect with your oneness.

There are many ways to help regain your connection and oneness.  If you are interested in working on being more conscious in your life and with your partner, and being able to play in that field once more, give us a call.

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